Tears for unknown soul

Excitedly I woke up, got dressed and looked at my mirror for more than 10 times. It was a cold day but excitement and restlessness made to forget about the cold morning. On the way beautiful Pink blossom caught my eyes and stole my heart. It grounded me for 30 seconds even when I was running late for school. I wore the best dress and took more than 15 minutes to make my hairs for the mega event of our school.

When I reached school, I was waiting for complements from my friends…. But I heard…

“She is at the hospital, she lost her baby”.

What???

When was she pregnant?

What am I hearing?

What should I do?

How can I help?

How did this happen?

Millions of questions run through my mind

But none of the answer seems so reasonable.

All of the things I did in the morning seemed so senseless, meaningless and just wasted of my precious time.  I was busy celebrating myself when someone was in pain…when someone was fighting battle between life and death.

I closed my eyes, and wish it to be a dream… A really bad one… everything went blank for a moment… I could not believe my ears… but it was not. My head hurt, I started to feel heavy in my head like as if I am carrying something heavy.

Everyone was shocked, even aunty who had always stayed with her all day… doing all the work together. It was not fair to me nor to our teacher and at least not to her best friend. At one moment I was thinking about the cold labor room of hospital and her burden. At another I was thinking of what should we do with our school variety show? I was feeling sad for her but at the same time I was also selfish. All I could do was fight in my own head.

Suddenly I thought about the baby, what was his/her fault? What did she/he do that to deserve it? Why did she hide it from us? Did she hate to have the child? Was that why she drank? Or was she already a drinker? Why do people take shelter under alcohol?   Thinking about all of it made my head hurt even more. Then someone was talking behind me when suddenly I started to cry… I just could not stop my tears… It rolled and rolled down. I was holding my voice so that no one will hear me. I slowly went to toilet without letting others know…and cried there silently for the lost unknown soul. I looked myself in the mirror and felt sorry for being too weak, for not being able to hold my tears.  

After sometime I went outside, others were still talking about it, when suddenly our help was needed in the hospital. There was so much to do for the night and we already had less time. We were struck with what we needed to do. There was some misunderstanding with some teachers…I wanted to go to hospital but since I don`t have my own vehicle I was helpless. If I called taxi It would be like I was showing off…I know I should not care about others but |I do care… I care a lot about the people near me…I never want to hurt them intentionally…That why whenever I feel bitter about them I make sure to tell it right to their face and not hold any grudge.

In that moment of what is the best thing to do, Madam Cheki just like the angel, read my mind and said, “Kencho, Let`s go to hospital”. Suddenly my headache vanished. I was so happy to hear that words. I stood up and nodded to her. I can`t thank her enough for taking me to hospital. I know she wanted to go and help aunty at the hospital but that time she also helped me. We went to request Lama, brought some things and went to hospital.

I know its mean of me to say that but I really hate to go to Hospital. I feel that it’s the second saddest place to be, first being the graveyard. All of my cells wanted me to go in the opposite direction but my heart wanted to see what was happening at the hospital.  The door to the room was open. There was a cartoon box on the stool with butter lamp lighted in front of it. it was the so painful to see that.  Lama went inside and prayed for the lost soul. After that we went to graveyard to depart the soul in through the river. I wanted to looked inside but I did not have that much courage.

When we Reach graveyard, we went near the river. Madam Cheki and I stayed up as we could not just from the big stone. They took her and kept it on the big rock, prayed for her and they sent her free… the river looked beautifully blue with white splashes of water. All I could do was shed some tears and pray for her next rebirth in good place, with good people.

When I recall that day I am ashamed of myself but yet again glad that at least I did what I could do. Life is like a movie… it take us to certain point where we know where we are but never know where we will be the next moment. Morning I was at the hospital mourning for the lost soul… and the same night I was dancing at the stage to entertain people who was supporting us. I was selfish, yet again I could not be selfish any more …

P.S I pray for your rebirth in a good place with good people who will love you and will be able to give you everything. May you find peace and happiness…. and if you are trapped somewhere may you be release soon.  Ken-Cho Sum Khheno _/\_